Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
