He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
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you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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