So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
