I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
