guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
