I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
