Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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