you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
