if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
