this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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