There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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