The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
