I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Sext me about skeletons
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
