Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
