I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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