I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
