Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the day after is always just damage control
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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