she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
