meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
