saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
