It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
