Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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