Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
