I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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