i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
