Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
