i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
