Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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