I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
