So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
