I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
