I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
