Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
