I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
