If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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