Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
