I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize