I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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