I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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