Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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