The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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