one two three fourrrrnication!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
