I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
