I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
FUCK WHALES
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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