and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
