Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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