Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
