the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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