Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
