My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
BRING THE BAGELS
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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