just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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