Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
ttyl tear gas
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
