I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
