I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
