Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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