I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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