Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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