Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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