i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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