Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
