i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
